Today marks the third Mother’s Day that I celebrate without my mom. Amid these years that I have spent without Mom, I have felt bitterness on more than one occasion this year, whenever I see billboard signs that say, “Call your mom” or whenever I receive emails from my subscription services that tell me to “Remember Mom on Mother’s Day” by “purchasing a 50% off discount” for crafted items. I clenched my teeth when I recently heard a church leader cordially tell volunteers to take care of our mommas in lieu of the evening service being cancelled to honor Mother’s Day. This was a genuine loving gesture to allow families to make plans with their moms, but, simultaneously, it was also a small gut punch, as it served yet another reminder of the plans that I will not have this year: a Mother’s Day without Mom.
I am being transparent because, as I have learned, grief often forces your true feelings to be expressed more even when you’d rather say, “I’m fine,” whenever someone asks, “How are you doing?” I have also learned from experience that your body processes and stores grief when you lose someone that you love dearly. However, thanks be to the God of Heaven and Earth, death is not the end for believers in His Son, Jesus Christ.
I shared with a few people after my mom’s passing that I witnessed the resurrection of Jesus Christ through her death, not His literal resurrection, as I was not alive to witness that spectacular event of my risen Savior from that empty tomb—but seeing my mom lifeless on a hospital bed, I knew that she was no longer in her earthly body. That was not my mom. Mom was dancing and free of illness and pain when she met Jesus face-to-face. I can hear Sandy Patti singing “We Shall Behold Him” in my head now. Mom loved Sandy Patti and often sang that song aloud throughout my childhood. We played that song at the beginning of Mom’s homegoing in New Orleans. . . Lord, Jesus is alive, and because Jesus is alive, my mommy is alive. Although I cannot see her (although the Lord knows how much I desire to see her), Mommy is very much alive and active in the Lord’s bosom.
This past year, I have encountered more people who have recently lost their mothers. Even identifying with their experience, I initially thought to myself, “I don’t even know how to properly respond.” The initial wound is shocking, almost an out-of-body experience, especially if you were close to your mother.
I have also considered the women that I have known or have met in the wake of Mom’s passing who mourned not having a good relationship with their mother who was still living. Although I cannot identify with that experience, I acknowledge that experience as a grief in itself: to mourn a lifeless relationship with the person from whom your identity was heavily built. As I write, I recall Psalm 22:9: “But You [God] are He who took me out of the womb; You made me trust while on my mother’s breast.” I remember my former pastor saying that “God is father with a mother’s arms.”
The touch of a mother’s arms, the touch of my mother’s hands, often cold, yet filled with so much love and comfort and strength, is what I also miss about my mom.
My prayer warrior still inspires me from Heaven, as I remember Mom’s life lessons and wisdom that she often shared with me, unhinged and unfiltered: raw or rather *live* as Mom would say whenever she needed to vent to me in her often-humorous way of expression.
I thank God for the mothers that I know who are still here, the friends and mentors, including those close to Mom, who continue to pour into me. Thank you, ladies!
As I write this blog less than forty-eight hours before Mother’s Day, I do not feel bitterness toward this day. This past week, I started seeing more people–particularly in my church community–host various social gatherings during this Mother’s Day weekend. Joy can be found in your grief. Nehemiah 8:10b says, “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”
However you choose to celebrate or remember Mother’s Day this year, I pray that your heart is full, that your spirit feels joy, and that your soul finds peace in the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ.
I love you, Mom.
-A