*NOTE: I wrote this grief letter one year ago (March 2022) in response to a writing prompt in my GriefShare class, for which I attended to help me grieve the recent loss of my mommy. GriefShare is a nondenominational program that offers support groups across local churches and whose foundational guidance is rooted in the Bible.
Dear friend preparing for grief,
It is beyond your control. If you have some preparedness before losing your loved one, it will feel as if you’re on a rollercoaster in a dark tunnel, waiting for that big “drop” to come, but you don’t know when (the day or hour) it will come.
When it does, allow yourself to lean on loved ones who are showing up for you in your time of grief. Know that it is OKAY that you randomly cry in public or in environments (i.e., doctor’s offices / stores) that remind you of your loved one.
Know. Please know that you did and have done EVERYTHING that you could to make your loved one’s life comfortable and that you cared for him or her.
Rest that the struggle to keep them alive is OVER. It may sound harsh, but the process to prepare for the death of a loved one can often be a greater burden than the moment that you lose your loved one!
Be of good cheer, you have overcome the world—through your grief—because Jesus, your Savior, has already overcome this world.
Also, it is totally okay for you to take your EXTRA naps. You will feel your body pull you to bed more often because that is what you NEED at that time. Don’t fight it! Your body is helping you to recover from the impact of perhaps the greatest traumatic loss in your life.
God designed our bodies to rest but especially, at this time of grief, you need more rest to recover from the shock and heartbreak of the death of your loved one. It will not be easy, BUT God will give you days of joy and maybe weeks at a time where your grief is not so overwhelming and is quite minimal.
However, going through the cycle, especially the first year without your loved one, will come in ebbs and flows. The “Big 3” (as I call it)—the birthday, Mother’s Day (if a parental loss), and death day—will trigger deeper points of yearning and sadness because it will feel like too much time has passed without talking to your loved one.
You will want to hear your loved one’s voice more at this time or will want to check-in with him about the new experiences in your life. Be mindful that many of these new experiences may be a direct result of you not having your loved one in your life anymore.
For example, you may be inclined to change churches because of the history you and your loved one experienced together. That is OKAY; that is my story. Also, this change will open you up to a new group of people who will not have known and will never know your loved one.
This may be difficult to navigate because you become your loved one’s complete representative because only you would have access to and the understanding of the significant role that they played in your life.
Embrace it, but know that it is okay if you don’t want to jump right into fellowship with new people. I did not.
I needed refuge in an unfamiliar place that did not remind me of my mother, and you may need that refuge too. For a moment, it may require you to be “incognito.” Again, you are learning how to live your life without your loved one in it.
Remember, each new day is a day that you lived without your loved one for the first time. This is especially true of the first year, of which I just marked eight months without my mom.
Know that in the initial days and weeks after losing your loved one (especially if you lived with them or lived in proximity), you may say out loud, “But you were just here . . . talking to me.”
While you process the brevity of your loved one’s function in your life (i.e., my mother = mentor, best friend, confidante, etc.), you may also experience days when they feel far away, as if years have passed since they were in your life. I do not understand this, but I do think that God allows these emotions and experiences to not overwhelm us.